The Break-How do you deal with a 2 year- old, who does not want to sit for meals or just settle down?

The Break

The break and time-out are different in that in timeout the child must ‘serve a sentence’ for a crime’ they’ve committed. And the parent’s role is to keep the child in the place of time-out until the time is up. In The Break responsibility for change is moved to the child The break focuses on heart change, not only behavior change. After the child does wrong you send them on a mission to change their heart(repentance).

The focus here is on the heart of the child, length of time is determined by the child. A break is not a consequence but part of a training process. Children learn to take a break for them to settle down and think things through. For example- what they did wrong and how they should have behaved. This is a good practice even for adults(parents). It’s not wise to continue working with a child when their temper is rising and the parent’s temper is rising. In the break, the child has the responsibility to make changes and come back to the parent. When the child comes back, the attitude of the parent is to show a desire for the child to return. Let me give an example here: Your daughter gets up over and over again. Let’s say her name is Shirley.

The Break

You say,

” Shirley, you’re 2 years old. And you’re becoming a big girl. Very soon you’ will be going to kindergarten. You need to learn discipline. Go take a break, and come back when you are ready to listen and settle down.”

Little Shirley goes and comes back. You ask her,

” Are you ready to listen?”

This is where Postive Conclusion comes in

Let’s say she says “Yes”. Ask her what she did wrong. Maybe she says, “I kept on standing up”. You then say,

” And what were you supposed to do?”.

Maybe says,” sit down” or” Sit down and let you know if I need something”. You then show her affirmation and love and tell her,

” Alright, let’s do this again. Shirley, settle down.” Before you start the process of The Break for the very first time, you explain it to her and how it works. This process works as long as the parent is committed to it.

What is A Positive Conclusion? Dr. Scotty Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN in Parenting is Heart Work Training Manual, say:

A positive Conclusion is a discussion you have with your child after the consequence to clarify the offense, make a plan for next time, and offer encouragement to do the right thing.

They continue by saying it offers hope to the child because at times a child is repetitively corrected then they become discouraged. It helps the child have thoughts of a positive future. They encourage parents to practice Positive Conclusion each time they discipline their child. Because children learn by repetition. At the end of each session show love, forgiveness and acceptance to the child.

How to deal with sibling rivalry?

sibling rilvalry

Sibling rivalry is one issue parents don’t really know how to tackle. You know pretty well George is wrong in this and Jean in this other area. But when it comes to dealing with two you are torn in two or all over. Why? Because both of them think they are right. and the parents love both of them. Parents don’t want to seem as if they are taking sides. And at times it really gets complicated that the parents are at a loss for ways to deal with sibling rivalry.

Jean is 7 and often fights with her brother George 5. George is annoying at times. I would encourage the parents to have a meeting with Jean when she is alone. Before the meeting, they need to know that the meeting will be successful if they focus on the solution instead of the problem. The majority of people don’t like it if they are working onto something, and somebody just comes in to highlight the problem areas without giving a solution. Especially if someone highlights the problem in a condemning way.

Our children are no different. Placing emphasis on training would result in a greater ability to change. Proverbs 22:6, ” Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Also, encourage Jean to think about what Karla can do in the challenging Arena she is working on(struggles with her brother), what the parents want instead, and how would Jean accomplish this? What right thing Jean need to do to replace the unwanted behavior. I encourage parents to plan your words carefully before you talk to Jean.

Solutions to sibling rivalry

1)Tell her that you would like to give her ideas on how to work with her brother. By your offering to help will increase the likelihood of Jean listening to their advice.

2)Then, you need to express some empathy like expressing that you know the brother can be annoying at times. Expression of empathy will further open Jean’s heart to your input.

3) Let her know that you notice that she gets frustrated with George and end up yelling or hitting him( this transfers responsibility to Jean for her part of the problem)

4) Express that you have ideas that will make her life easier( this speaks of hope and vision) And who doesn’t want their lives to be easier.

5) They give Jean 3 choices to use when she starts to get frustrated with her brother:

a) ignore
b) confront
c) or get help

Teaching the How part

Then teach her HOW to ignore without getting angry, confront without yelling, and get help without tattling. Teaching is the HOW portion of the game. I would encourage the parents to meditate on Proverbs 22: 6 as you direct Jean in the way she should go. This way, you would be teaching her to treat other people with love and kindness. I usually get frustrated when the Church (including myself at a time) major on telling the congregants on Don’ts and not telling them how not to do the Don’ts. One Preacher said to teach them the Do’s so they won’t do the Don’ts.

Before you close the meeting, express to Jean that what you are teaching her, is a life skill. She will need it at school, at work, and in life generally. And that the family is a training ground. Finally, let Jean know that you would need to continue with the process until she perfects the skill and uses it latter.

Parents to keep an eye on what going on between the two, so they can give help and guidance.

How to deal with a child, who reacts with anger when frustrated.

An angry child usually causes frustration for their parents. children-hurting-parents. It’s important to know that emotions are God-given, but they can be misused.  I encourage the parent to spend time reflecting on your emotions. Because if you process your emotions well yourself, its easier to connect on a heart level with your child.

Emotions come from the heart of a person, therefore, parents need to connect with their children emotionally, on a deeper level. Emotionally connecting with your child will soften their heart, and prepares the way for much of the hard work of parenting. Thereby, making it more tolerable or even enjoyable. When the parents connect on a deeper level with the child, it’s easier for the child to cooperate with the parents.

Jesus was a good example of leaving behind an agenda, in order to care for people’s needs and connect with their hearts

 In Luke 10:38-42 He rebuked Martha for her busyness and affirmed Mary for sitting with Him.

At the Home of Martha and Mary
38. As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. 39. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”41. “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[f] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.” N.I.V.

Jesus here emphasized relationships over other activities. Not saying what Martha was doing was wrong, but Mary chose the best and most beneficial activities.

Jesus ministered to people’s needs by feeding 5000, Matthew 14: 13-21

13. When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. 14. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

15. As evening approached, the disciples came to Him and said, “This is a remote place, and it’s already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.”

16. Jesus replied, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.”

17. “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

18. “Bring them here to me,” He said. 19. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then He gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. 20. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were leftover. 21. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

Paul In Romans 12: 15

” Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” This indicating emotionally connecting with others is important.

An angry child-During nondiscipline times

During nondiscipline times, have a meeting with your child. Acknowledge your child’s feelings, and help the child understand what’s going on in his/her heart. You also need to teach them three basic emotions: sad, mad and happy and have them talk about the visual cues we receive from others that tell us they are upset. Explain that at times when children are sad, afraid or disappointed they cover up these emotions with being mad. This is not intentionally done for the most part. Because it takes vulnerability and courage to admit sadness or fear. Anger becomes the preferred response because children have bought into the lie that angry people are strong. Teach the child to see emotions in others, so they develop greater empathy and relational maturity.

Teach the child to:

  • Identify the cues- the place where they can tell they are starting to get angry eg the hairs on his arms start to stand up or they can’t think straight. Tell your child that you will raise the awareness level of the cues like when you start seeing him raising his voice, becoming irritable then you come in. Give them this Scripture- James 1: 19,” be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Also, inform the child that the Bible does not say don’t get angry, but be slow to get angry, meaning be patient and have endurance. It’s not wrong to get angry but meanness and disrespect are not acceptable. Negative feelings don’t justify poor responses.

Emphasize also, that when one gets angry it’s important to deal with anger quickly since when one is angry for a long time they give an opportunity for the devil to come in and make a mess.

Ephesians 4: 26-27

26And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

Tell your child to choose a better response

i) Coach your child in using The Break Technique the-break-method as a way of pulling back. This method can be used for a child of any age. The parent just adjusts to the age of the child. If your child says it’s difficult to pull back, they would rather vent their anger, you may give them:

Proverbs 29: 11,” A fool gives full vent to his anger but wise a wise man keeps himself under control.” Explain to him/her that he/she is not a fool but wise that’s why he/she is eager to tame their anger and he/she will do it if he keeps at it.

ii) talk about it instead of reacting emotionally.
get help from the parents

iii) slow down and persevere instead of whining and complaining about it

iv) use non-emotional times to practice the right responses

v)Give your angry child hope by encouraging them and giving them Scripture Romans 5:3-4 trials help us develop endurance, endurance, character, character helps us develop hope. I also strongly encourage parents to pray for your child and pray for yourselves, so that you develop the tenacity to help out your child

Don’t engage with an angry child-caution to the parent

chhild's anger
Engaging with an angry child

 The parent to stop and pull back instead of pushing forward. If the child pushes forward don’t engage with the angry child, because that will be adding gasoline to fire. If you engage with an angry child, you lose the battle. Because the child usually would want to argue with the parent. Why? So that the parent loses focus on the real issue.  A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare-Proverbs 15:1-3.

When the child is angry and you are also angry, you may end up saying negative statements to the child which is not good for them. That will eventually cause your relationship to deteriorate some more. And usually, children remember those words. Also, remember words are powerful. You can build or destroy with words. Since the parents are an authority in the lives of their children, what you say does matter a lot. Children will easily believe it. In the future, you might end up trying to undo the damage your words have caused. This is not to scare you or make you feel guilty. We all make mistake, but it is to make you more aware of the words you speak.

Why children have a great capacity to hurt their parents emotionally

Children hurting parents emotionally is at a very high percentage. Children may do it intentionally or unintentionally, but it hurts all the same. As parents, we love our children and work hard to provide for them. At times we go the extra mile to provide not only their needs but their wants. And when we do that we expect them to be grateful, or just show appreciation for what we do. We are emotionally bonded to our children and expect the best of them. Now, when things are not going on with them it hurts us or if they are not behaving or performing very well they hurt us, it might not be intentional, but still, it hurts.

What is the heart?

the heart

There is a physical heart that pumps blood from and around the body. Then, there is another kind; this one is not physical. In the book , Parenting is Heart Work by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller-

“The heart is where longings grow, secrets are kept, pain is felt, plans are devised, commitment solidifies, and character is developed. In short, the heart is a person’s center; the deepest spot in one’s life.”

To purchase Parenting is Heart work click the clink below paid link)

What is the heart?-My training

I was trained as a Biblical Parent coach by The National Canter For Biblical Parenting, and Dr. Scott was My mentor/coach. So, what I teach is mostly leaned on the teachings of my Coach. As one who has raised two girls that are now adults, I heard lots of aha moments. Just by looking back and seeing how my husband and I could have maneuvered our parenting when they were younger. But hey, it’s not too late because I can always things here and there. Because everybody at any age has a heart, whereby the make decisions and resolves. I can see where we have erred and are able to help others.

Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller go on to say, “When you talk to yourself, you’re doing work in your heart, sorting out issues, synchronizing them with other priorities and values, and preparing responses. In Parenting Is Heart Work training manual Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller also say,

If you were to take a tour of your child’s heart, you would find several items of interest. You’d see things like emotions, values, convictions, thoughts, fantasies, and desires. In short, the heart is the place where a child’s beliefs turn into commitments.

The heart is the central processing unit of a person. Jesus said,” Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks.” (Matthew 12:34)

If you can help children change their hearts, then you’ll see lasting change in their lives.

The heart and its productions

I’m just thinking, at times we talk ourselves into despair, that’s your heart leading you astray. So no matter what comes our way, our hearts will determine how we react. Doctor Scott Turansky and Joanne miller continue by explaining that discouragement, anxiety, fear, and anger are felt in the heart. With peace, joy, love also producing their fruit in the heart. It’s therefore vital for parents to have an insight on whats going on in their child’s heart, and work based on that. Instead of just majoring on behavior change. The child needs to change their way of thinking in order to change what they are doing wrong. Proverbs 23:7- As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.

The heart is the place where children talk to themselves, adults too.

As a parent, you have issues of your heart too. As you deal with your child, you may start to notice where you lock heads, that could be that you have a specific aspect of your life that also needs change.

When children speak up

At times children will let you know, what your problem is, ouch! Swallow your pride, and avoid responding there and there. Except if you know you have the right answer, and you are not angry at the time. Let’s say one of your children says, ” My problem with you, mom is you always jump into conclusions, without enough evidence” Think of how you would react. You might tell the kid to give you examples. And try to chill, as they say. Let the kid you are grateful that he opened up and you will talk about it later. Examine your heart and follow through.

Our children want to see us vulnerable so they can learn to be vulnerable too. They also need to know that correction does not mean you are a failure. But we need each other as a family. When one is down one encourages the other. Then one has a blind spot, one alerts the other.

Getting to know what was in the heart

My husband I were talking to one of the young people last weekend, and she told us that children just want their parents to listen to them. There should be open communication, even when we differ in our opinions. Proverbs 20:5 -The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man’s understanding draws them out. What’s in someone’s heart takes somebody who understands, or has wisdom for the other person to open up to them. Children are no different. Even when we have a different opinion, our listening to them boosts their esteem. When you listen to your children you get to know what they think; what excites them, their plans, what’s new, if you know how to probe them well they can tell you their struggles and fears.

Spending time with them, doing what they love, helps because usually most kids when they are really happy, that’s when they open up. That enhances your relationship. I have learned to listen to my adult girls, just to support and not always to advise them. Of course, as a parent, I might advise here and there, but advice can wait for another time. By loving, listening and affirming them, when they achieve something or just an improvement, you would be cultivating your relationship with them. That way you will be connecting on the heart level. Thereby making it easy for them to listen to you.

You cannot change your child’s heart.

Only God can do that. As a parent, you are one of the instruments God uses to change your child’s heart. You care for, instructs, corrects, coach and discipline your children. You can also teach the Scriptures to your children. Hebrews 4:12

For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating as far as the division of the soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart. 

Take your children to church or encourage them to go to church if they are now adults. You pray for your children and show them, unconditional love.

When your child receives salvation then ultimate change can take place. Salvation takes place in someone’s heart/spirit. Then as you continue feeding them with the Word of God, mind renewal happens.

Heart-based approach to parenting


A heart-based approach to parenting is very effective. what-is-the-heart? God is interested in the heart because it is the central processing unit of a person. That’s where real and lasting change takes place. When the heart is functions right so is the child. When the heart is working correctly, it enables children to mature and respond to life in productive ways. This approach focuses on the heart of the child and the parent. When the parent is prayerfully looking at the issues pertaining to the heart of the child, they also see where they have deficiencies as a parent.

What else about heart-based parenting

It also focuses on moral and spiritual development thereby increasing motivation, specifically internal motivation. The approach of majoring on children’s behavior without looking at deeper issues of the heart motivates externally. Children learn to do in order to get something from the parent or to avoid punishment. This approach does not provide long-lasting results and does not build character. Because it appeals to the selfish part of the child. A child might have wrong thinking patterns or some deep heart issue but because they have learned to obey, the parents think the child is alright. Most of those problems show up later in life.

This effective parenting approach emphasizes the journey, not the destination. I was thinking to myself that at any particular moment we are on a journey but destinations come here and there. And even when we are at a particular destination, we are still on a journey. Hence, it is very important to focus on the journey. Joyce Meyer says enjoying where you are on the way to where you are going(Paraphrase). External motivation suppresses initiative, decreases creativity thereby robbing one of the satisfaction of achievement. Internal motivation does the total opposite. No parent is perfect and you’re not a bad parent. You just need to tweak how you do things so your job has lasting change. As a parent, I can tell you this from experience, you also see where you miss it. That is if you look at yourself objectively.

Children learn by observing too

If your children tell you stuff about you that needs change, don’t get the temptation to react immediately. Even if what they say arouse anger. You want to be careful on what you say to your children. For children might not tell you, that they give importance to parents’ words. They might not say it in the right matter or the right time and place. But ponder and pray about it. By reacting like that you are teaching them the right way to respond.

Pray for your children too. You might say, pray for what? Pray for them so that they are open to your guidance. Pray for yourself so you see your children as God sees them. God gives you the ability to change in places you need to change. As children are changing, we are changing too. Moving from strength to strength. Grace to Grace. Glory to glory.

Heart-based parent coaching

heart-based parent coaching

Heart-based parent coaching is what I do. I coach parents on how to parent their children majoring in the hearts of their children. This kind of parenting is very effective. Know what’s going on in your child’s heart, in order to effectively nurture them and have them grow into responsible adults and citizens. Character training starts in the home. Or let me say it should start in the home. Yes, daycares, schools, and the church do help, but parents are supposed to be the primary coaches of their children. The home is the primary training ground.

Heart-based parent coaching-Why?

A heart-based approach to parenting is very effective. God is interested in the heart because it is the central processing unit of a person. When the heart is functions right so is the child. That’s where real and lasting change takes place. He created the heart as a central processing unit. When the heart is working correctly, it enables children to mature & respond to life in productive ways. This approach focuses on the heart of the child and the parent. When the parent is prayerfully looking at the issues pertaining to the heart of the child, they also see where they have deficiencies as a parent.

When the parent is having challenges in their parenting and is stuck, they need somebody who helps them. That’s where a parenting coach comes in. It does not mean you don’t know what you are doing. Neither does it you have been parenting wrong. But, as the African proverb says, ” It takes a village to help a child.” You need all the resources you can get to help you navigate parenting.

I coach you, on how to identify heart issues in your child. And give you tools you can utilize, to help your child move from where they are to where they are supposed to be. Your kid is not a bad kid. He/she just needs the guidance that’s appropriate for what’s going on in his/her heart.

You get to the heart,, you get to the kid!

Heart-based parent coaching-What kind of issues do parents deal with?

  • lack of respect
  • blaming shifting
  • sibling rivalry
  • justifying when corrected
  • bad attitudes
  • being disrespectful
  • uncooperative
  • anger in kids
  • even anger in parents themselves
  • lying
  • children who can’t accept ‘no’ for an answer, sibling conflict,
  • potty training struggles & the list goes on.

The thing is children’s personalities and tendencies are different, even those sharing the same mom and dad. Different ages call for different ways of dealing with the parents. The parent needs to personalize how they deal with their children.

But, there is a way to make it easier. It’s not that you are a bad parent or your child is a bad kid. You need effective principles and tools. Here, you will learn a heart-based approach to parenting, and you will watch as your child flourishes into an amazing individual. Not that your child wasn’t amazing before, but there is always room for change.